My Bucket

Isaiah 43:2 "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown."  NLT

My sweetheart tells me that my bucket is too big and too full.  He is probably right.  I am always doing and going and surrounded by chaos.  I long ago ceased to carry a pail and went straight to dragging a 50 gallon drum behind me.  I can't think of a time when I didn't have something to worry about.  Some of it I bring on myself, some of it comes with the large family I have, and some of it is left over from a painful past.  Sometimes I feel like I am carrying my own water to drown myself in, as strange as that may seem.

Last year I finally found a doctor who could tell me what was wrong.  Years of doctors, therapists, counselors, and quacks had long since convinced me that I was just simply screwed up.  In spite of how I looked on the outside, I was messed up on the inside.  Guilt, anger, fear, depression.  They all had season passes to play in my bucket.  I prayed.  I begged. I cried.  I wallowed.  I fought.  I gave up.  I tried harder.  Nothing seemed to work.  My life was  a roller coaster of emotions.  Things would go well.  I would crash and burn.  I would struggle back up, things would go well, I would crash and burn.  Then I met a wonderful doctor and in 15 minutes she gave me my life back. 

Anxiety.  Plain and simple.  I was so wound tight and had so much anxiety going on that it was slowly killing me.  High blood pressure, insomnia, weight gain, anger, depression, heart palpitations, you name it, I had it.  She prescribed some medication and gave some good advice about relaxation techniques and suddenly the world was a brighter place.  I could breathe again.  I could sleep.  I could relax.

The problem with getting well is that you expect to stay well.  You want every day to be a good day.  When a bad day comes along, you feel betrayed and let down.  I question God and demand to know why I am having bad moods again.  Why can't I cope?  Why is he letting all this stress happen to me?  Aren't I doing what He asked me to do?  Am I not going to church every weekend, volunteering, paying my tithing, reading my Bible?  Did I not just give up fast food for 40 days?  Is that not worth something? I pout and whine and generally feel sorry for myself.  I make everyone around me miserable.  Hey!  If I am miserable, then everyone else has to be miserable too.  The problem with that theory is that everyone else has no intention of letting my pity party mess up their plans. 

It is not fair sometimes.  Life isn't fair sometimes.  In fact, life just plain sucks sometimes.  Sorry.  I know that's not a good Christian woman thing to say.  But it's the truth.  I am just going to have bad days.  Days when nothing goes right.  Days when I am talking to the wall.  Days when I get on my knees to pray and my words seem to bounce right back to me.  Days that are filled with emotional upheaval and days that are just plain yucky.  And yet, my Abba promised me He would never leave me alone.  He promised me I wouldn't drown.  Even if I was trying to drown myself in my own bucket.

Tonight I sat down to listen to my pastor, Kerry Shook on his video blog.  http://blog.woodlandschurch.tv/  He pointed out that God will often let the flood waters rise but He will make sure that you don't drown in the process.  He will help me rise above the flood waters.  Pastor Kerry said that I should do two things to start off this next 40 days.  Flood my mind with God's promises and flood my weakness with God's strength.  Pastor Kerry has no idea that he helped me find a way to empty my bucket tonight.  God took my bucket from me and gave me back my pail.  I know that I will eventually find that bucket again but for now, I am grateful that He has lifted me up and hugged me back to happiness.  Thank you Abba.  Let me always remember that through You, all things are possible.